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Wanted: Link of Hyrule, dead or alive

To celebrate my finishing the original Legend of Zelda game this afternoon, here's some random madness that I scripted in my head while playing.

Herein are excerpts taken from interviews with various eyewitnesses and survivors of the infamous terrorist known only as 'Link'.

Greg and Roy, Molblin Archers 3rd Class
ROY: H..he... he ate his...
GREG: Don't try and talk mate, you'll rip your stitches. See these gashes on his shoulder? That's from that lazer thing he does with his sword. Only a wooden one the first time he was sighted. That and his shorts & cap, you could have mistaken him for a child, if it wasn't for all the blood. Anyway, we'd just seen this 'Link' guy go through the other squad patrolling our sector, when he kneels down by one of the guys he's just killed and-
ROY: HE ATE HIS FUCKING HEART, GREG! He ripped it out and ate it!
GREG: Calm down, Roy, calm down! Anyway, it was horrible. Have you ever seen someone kill three people with a candle and a boomerang? [Gags slightly] Once he was finished he walked along the row of bushes, plain as you like, tapping each one until he got to one on the end, like he was counting. Bold as brass he torches the one he's at, and there's only a bleedin' staircase down there. I hear the guy's got a tunnel network all over Hyrule. We tried to open fire before he got away but... well, we're in the infirmary so you can tell how that turned out.
Terry, 45th Goriya Boomerang Squad (retired)
Anyway, after the kicking I got from that pack of Stalfos skeletons I just laid down in the doorway and prepared to meet my maker. And when *THE* Link walks in I figure that's it, I'm dead. But he just looks at me without saying anything, then he throws me a bit of meat from his pack and walked right past me though the door. A proper side of pork and all! I guess i'll never know why he showed me pity, but you'd better believe I got the hell out of there before I tucked in.
Angry Old Man
Link? *tch* (spits on floor) Bastard owes me ten rupees for burning down my door, I don't care if he's saving Hyrule or not!
Frank Lynel, BlueHoof Heard, Death Mountain
Yeah, the old woman who lives in that cave says she sold him a jar of blood she was going to use in a ritual. Guy just downed it right in front of her. She said it keeps his heart going or something. But she's crazy, you can't trust a word she says.
Armos Theta, freelance haunted statue
This 'Link' individual simply does not exist. If he did then- ...excuse me, there is some commotion outside with the guards. If something untoward should happen, please move that block over there to access the emergency stairs. [series of explosions outside. Audio cuts off]
Steve, Molblin Sargeant, 32nd Division
[audio begins abruptly] -waved his sword at us, but while it usually shoots some beam thing, this time it wasn't working or something. He looked fucking furious about it an' all. Then Burt, the daft git, starts laughing at 'im. Next thing you know we all are, until Burt's on the floor with a boomerang-shaped dent in his face. We took off; no offence to Burt and all but sometimes a leader's got to know when to cut and run. I looked behind me as we were running and Link was still there, whipping his boomerang at Burt again and again. Hey, there's Burt now. HEY BURT! ... BURT! ... ... Guess he doesn't feel like talking about it. Can't blame him.
Frank: What freaks me out the most is how he'll sometimes walk right by people, and other times he'll go out of his way to hack up anything that crosses his path. No one knows what he wants until after the dust's settled. The boys in the squad have started making sure they don't have any rupees in their pockets, but it doesn't help - if he wants to kill you, he will. Checking your pockets is only an afterthought, I guess. Some days though, maybe when he's broke or something the whole shoreside will be off limits because he's down there hacking up whole swarms of Octorocks for the Rupees they sometimes have in their stomachs. Then he'll go and hide round the corner until some scavenging Zola'll come to eat the scraps of what's left. Other times he'll be off blowing open people's cave doors and taking their life savings. Gannon only knows where he's found someone who'll trade with him.
Albin Cope, local shopkeeper
Hey, I won't hear a bad word against the kid, he's my best customer. My only customer, come to think of it. Probably shouldn't hide my shop under this tree, but you never know what kind of psychos are out there.
Phil, Zola Fish(er)man
I've seen the guy do some weird things from here on the lakebed. One time he was throwing down with some Moblins who'd caught a fairy to eat. Once he's hacked his way in and picked her up she kisses him on the cheek. She must know something the rest of us don't. And the way he smiled... you know some people are just broken inside, so it doesn't freak you out as much, but how can someone smile so sweetly and do the things he does? He looked like a whole new breath of life had gone in 'im. Then he goes back to smashing the other Moblins against a tree. Psycho.
Terry, Moblin lifeguard, Forest Lake
Seriously, this very lake! He whips out this tin flute and plays this eerie little melody. Next thing you know the whole lake drains and he goes down some stairs on the lake bed. I tried to follow him but the whole thing flooded in again. Anyway, half an hour later he bursts out of the ground a few metres away, brandishing this little triangle of yellowish rock over his head like it's gonna save the world or something. Please don't tell my seargeant, but I stayed well away til he left.
To this day the Zelda administration denies all knowledge of Link. However, possibly due to the strain of her much-publicised battle with Stockholm Syndrome, the Princess and her recently announced fiancee declined to be interviewed. An individual matching 'Link's description was last seen making camp somewhere in the Death Mountains. Travellers are advised to steer clear.
Making a cameo from http://obscuritan.dreamwidth.org/7804.html